I guess you noticed the new look on my blog. I tried it on for size and now, though not completely happy with it, can't figure out how to get the old look back.
This is what my life feels like right now. There's been a change and I can't make it go back to how it was before. Every morning I get up and I think, My father is dead. In my mind's eye, I see him coming in from my driveway in his flannel shirt and corduroy pants, limping a little, carrying pimento cheese or oranges or a DVD he's made for me. I listen to his voice on my voice mail saying, "You don't need to call me back. Talk to you soon. Love ya," over and over. The church calls and asks could donations go to new choir robes and I remember the funeral, his seat in the choir draped with his robe, and I lose it.
People say, "He had a good life" and "You're so lucky he didn't have to go to a nursing home" and I know this is true, but I want to scream back that that isn't a consolation. I'm in this little cocoon; I don't want to talk to people about him or have visitors bring things.
My dad wasn't perfect. There were years when I was so irritated by him that it took a great deal of control to be nice to him. But in the past few years he was the father I've always wanted: kind, wise, compassionate, gentle. And that's hard to give up.
I won't belabor my sadness here. Others' mourning is not interesting. But I'm just going to say this and be done with it: I miss him. Damnit.
2 comments:
For a while after my father died, I'd be thinking about something and say to myself, "I'll call Daddy and ask him" about whatever it was. Except that I couldn't.
Our relationship was so conflicted in big ways, I used to tell people I was adopted. It took some time and bunch of hard work, but I changed. He didn't.
We're coming up on five years since he left us. I miss him, damnit.
I'm so sorry Mamie. I wish I knew what to say...inspirational words that would make you smile and lighten the heaviness in your soul...so that you would feel better. But the truth is, you need this time to mourn the loss of your father. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is that you feel, and allow yourself to vent those feelings whenever you need to. Give yourself time...as much time as you need.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
*hugs*
Ally
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