Dying Thoughts

How many of you have thought about what you'd like for your funeral? Beyond cremation and burial, what music do you want? Who do you want to speak and what do you want them to say? Once a group of friends and I wrote our obituaries and it was interesting to consider what I'd like for people to say about me when I die, what I'd like to have accomplished, who might have been born or died in my family, how old I'll be and what I'll die from, where I'd like donations to go.

When my dad was going in for surgery the last week of his life, my youngest sister told him that our sister from Orlando was coming to town. It was rare for her to come unless we were celebrating something and he asked if the doctor had told us to call her.  My sister said no, but that he had said it was serious surgery. My father began to tell her the songs he wanted sung at his funeral and who he wanted for his pall bearers.

To have been so clear at a time when he must have been scared out of his mind tells me that he had been thinking about this for a while.  My sister had the presence of mind to write it all down, and when we had his funeral a week or so later, we followed his wishes.

Over the past three and a half years since his death, I've tried to remember many times the title of one of the songs he requested. I could only remember, as the congregation sang, being very moved by the lyrics and what they might have meant to him. 

Last night I was coming home from yoga and had Pandora on my radio.  How Great Thou Art, a song often heard at funerals, came on and I tried to recall once again the song from the funeral.  And then the very next song that came on was it: Great is Thy Faithfulness (it was this version played by Chris Rice).

Because I couldn't remember the words, I thought that my dad might have chosen it because it was about a believer who had been faithful to God.  My father wasn't perfect by any means--who of us is?-- but I think the early death of my mother was a wake-up call for him and he realized then that many times there are no second chances. 

But tonight, preparing to write this post, I finally looked up the lyrics and now I realize that the song is about God's faithfulness to us. His choice of the song took on a totally different spin. He felt that God had faithfully loved and blessed him. I was touched just as strongly as the day of his funeral. 

Here are the lyrics:

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;

There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

[Refrain]
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

[Refrain]

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

I love that the song, which I'd never heard on that station before though I listen to it every day in the car and at work, came on when I was trying to think of it. 

Feeling blessed myself....

What It's All About. Yeah.

You're not going to believe this, but that election we just finished?  That ain't what it's all about, folks.  In fact it wasn't even a little bit important to some people in this world.

While the rest of us have been posting vitriol on Facebook and wishing a pox on our enemies, bemoaning the overkill of campaign ads and doorknockers, some people have been suffering.  Suffering loss of home and life, loss of dignity and the means to support themselves, sitting at the bedsides of loved ones and saying the ultimate goodbye.  Asking what the heck happened and what did they do to deserve it. And maybe worst of all, there are people who have despaired of finding hope and the strength to face it all.  I know a few of them myself, and the past few months have been pure hell for those people.  Real hell, not just campaign hell.

To them, I send my love and support and share this beautiful song by Whitney Houston. Listen if you can take the time; read the lyrics too.  Then go let somebody know you've been thinking about them. Write a note, email, or make a phone call.  Go visit your parent in the nursing home.  Take a meal to a friend who hasn't been feeling well.  Look the person talking to you in the eye and listen. Hug your husband or your kids or your cat. Write a check to a charity or take some food to the Food Bank. Send your compassion out in as many ways as you can think of.  Because maudlin as it may seem, that's what it's all about.

The people to whom these lyrics speak need you. Badly.

As I lay me down

Heaven hear me now

I'm lost without a cause

After giving it my all
Winter storms have come

And darkened my sun

After all that I've been through

Who on earth can I turn to?
I look to you  I look to you  After all my strength is gone  In you I can be strong
I look to you  I look to you  And when melodies are gone  In you I hear a song, I look to you

About to lose my breath

There's no more fighting left

Sinking to rise no more

Searching for that open door
And every road that I've taken

Led to my regret

And I don't know if I'm gonna make it

Nothing to do but lift my head
I look to you  I look to you  And when all my strength is gone  In you I can be strong
I look to you  I look to you  And when melodies are gone  In you I hear a song, I look to you

My levees have broken, my walls have come

Crumbling down on me

The rain is falling, defeat is calling

I need you to set me free
Take me far away from the battle

I need you, shine on me
I look to you  I look to you  After all my strength has gone  In you I can be strong
I look to you  I look to you  And when melodies are gone  In you I hear a song, I look to you
I look to you  I look to you

(Song by Whitney Houston)

Remember

Today I remember a friend who should have turned 60 today.  We lost a lot. 

He left a lot too.  An incredible legacy of music and art and an example of how to face adversity.

You can honor him and carry a little piece of the beauty he left by ordering this amazing recording of his original music.

Night of Music

Next Friday night, I will be having my second photography exhibit at the Long View Center in downtown Raleigh. The theme of the show is "Music" and what a night of music it will be. Both Carl and I have chosen our best shots around the theme, there will be live music, and the storytellers that follow the reception at Tell It! will incorporate music into their stories.

The live music will be played by my husband; Frank, a guitar player who plays in a band with him; and Billie Jean Snuggs, a woman who has about the most beautiful voice I have ever heard. To hear her sing is to be moved to another sphere where sound is transformative. She sings from her heart and her soul.

Music has been an important part of my life. I love almost every kind except dirty rap as I call it, and have it playing from the time I get up to the time I settle in for the night. I listen to classical, soul, and New Age music most of the time, but will throw in disco and country and gospel when I need a lift.

I'm looking forward to this wonderful night of music displayed in our art, our spoken word, and with instruments and voices. It will be just the high I need.

Let's Change the Subject

I haven't been able to think of much to post about that didn't have to do with my dad, but I've thought of something: MUSIC! Now you all know how much I love music, and I spent most of last Sunday listening to my husband's gospel band play at two different churches. Some time ago, on this blog, I mentioned that he sings "Stand By Me" and this seems the perfect time to post this YouTube video of him singing with two wonderful backup singers. On one of my computers, it played fine; on my laptop it had some streaming issues; but you'll get the idea.

This song is so meaningful to me right now because he has been a rock for me during the past two or three months. He has been under the same stress that I have, with work and my breast cancer and the death of my father, a man he loved and admired, but he has been there 100%. For me.

Standing tall by me.

Sweet Music

One of the things that drew me to my church was the music. Lively, hand-clapping, dancing-in-the-aisle music. Music that brought a smile to my face that lasted for the entire hour.

But things have changed. And I don't like the way it's going.

So. What to do. There are people in the church who like the direction the music is taking. And the present choir director doesn't have the same music background as the old one. He's doing the kind of music he does best. He's organized and reliable. And the choir is now more organized and predictable.

Then there are people like me who are unhappy with the music. I haven't been to church for a month.

It's more than just being unhappy with the music as it is. It's more that I feel my minister has given up the vision of an exciting, vibrant music program. And if he doesn't have the vision anymore, there won't be anything different on the horizon.

When I first came to this church in 2004, the music is what swept me up. The minister's messages spoke to something deep inside, and the people were full of love. The minister is the same, the people for the most part are still there. But without the music, it's not enough.

I used to schedule the outside groups, and could bring in some of the music I loved. I turned away single performers in favor of groups with a lot of oomph like the Fairmont Gospel Revue. But now that the music director is doing the scheduling, there aren't even many of those groups.

Here's the question: Do I stick around and try to make a change back to what brought me there? Or do I say, "It's working for some people; why make waves?" and move on?

I miss my inspiring Sunday mornings in the worst way.

Aging, Writing, and Rock & Roll

Today is my birthday, and I've been celebrating in one form or another since Friday night. I think I'm entitled to a whole weekend at my age, don't you?

All week I've been receiving cards from friends and family. And today I've heard from them by phone. My brother's family sang (as did others) but he accompanied the singing on his guitar!



Friday night my husband's band, SPOT, played for a going-away party. There were more people than usual and the crowd was happy and dancing. Now you know that when I quit drinking, I quit dancing, but when Frank Gordon started in on the Ramones' "I Wanna Be Sedated" I had to shake a leg. And then the other leg started shaking and my arms joined in! It was a great night, but I only got four hours of sleep that night.



Yesterday, I went to a workshop facilitated by author Peggy Payne called, "Get Your Ganges On" and it was great. The title of the workshop came from Peggy's own India experience and her feeling that the river is her writing symbol, or the companion on her writing journey. I decided that mine would be a butterfly, a symbol that comes up often around my writing. A butterfly "takes off" in the same way that I would like my writing to do, and it is so beautiful that people often say, "Oooooh" or "Whoa, how gorgeous" in ways that I would like to hear them talk about my work! Here is a doodle I did of a dammed river:



A few of the tips that I got yesterday:

1. Drop the self-consciousness around my writing.
2. Continue to learn the craft of writing.
3. Manage my time in a way that enables me to think of my writing first instead of after "everything is done".
4. Keep my hands in the writing sandpile, touching base with my work often.
5. Connect with my higher power and see my writing as a collaboration between me and the Great Energy. (I loved this!)
6. Learn to recognize resistance in all its forms.

As the day started, I began to notice that certain words came up over and over. And oddly enough, they all began with F. I thought of them as the f-words of writing: Fear, focus, flow, fire. I order them this way because they reflect the order of the writing process: First we are afraid to write, so we focus on the craft and lose our self-consciousness, soon our words begin to flow, and finally we are on fire!

If you ever have a chance to work with Peggy, take it. She wrings good stuff out of me, and leaves me worn out but motivated and excited to carry on.

This has been such a good birthday weekend that next year I may try for a birthday month! At my age, you know....

Grand Finale

This is almost the last post about the choir and Norris Garner. I will only write about it again to give you the heads up when they are on television.

Last night, we went to WRAL to record for the gospel show, "Spiritual Awakening" and it was fun, fun, fun! Terrence Jenkins hosts the show, and we got to see him practicing his intros. He stood in front of a blank TV screen mouthing words and smiling. He interviewed Norris and that was fun too. When Terrence asked Norris for a phone number so people could call about his workshops, Norris said, "My phone number?? What do you mean? People are looking for me!"

This was a fitting end to this amazing experience. Norris Garner and the UCT choir are stars. I want Raleigh to know.

Norris Garner

Caveat: I'm no videographer, nor do I sing in public; I was purely an observer to this weekend's activities. And I only made very short recordings of Norris and the choir yesterday morning because I wanted to be sure that I could upload them. First Norris:



Being with my choir and this incredible choir director this weekend was a transformative experience. The choir worked with him from 7-9 Friday night, all day Saturday, did three performances at the church, and eight of them showed up at 7 last night to sing around the grand piano at another church. The choir's dedication and hard work brought me to tears as did Norris and his amazing ministry and inspiring voice.

The choir is recording at WRAL tonight to appear on the show "Spiritual Awakenings" next Sunday morning. Although I wish every one of you had seen them in person, tune in and watch them if you can.

Three days of pure inspiration. And a lot of lessons learned. And now the choir with Norris:

Feeling Groovy Part II

I just spent the most incredible two days with my church choir. Remember how grumpy I was on Wednesday? Well, they cured the blues.

They have worked for two days with Norris Garner. If all that happened this weekend was that we all listened to him sing, that would have been enough. If the choir had shown up and sang with him, that would have been enough. But these people have been champions. They learned ten songs in eight hours. They had already agreed to perform tomorrow at our 9 and 11 services and do a 3:00 concert; and at 4:00 today, after all that work, agreed to perform tomorrow night as well.

Here's the deal if you're in Raleigh and love gospel music. You have five opportunities to see this great group of people sing their hearts out with Norris.

1. and 2. 9:00 and 11:00 services at Unity Church of the Triangle in the Longview Center in Raleigh (corner of Hargett and Person Streets at Moore Square).
3. 3:00 concert at Unity Church of the Triangle. No admission but an offering will be taken up, profits to benefit the Raleigh Rescue Mission.
4. 7:00 night service at Fairmont UMC on the corner of Clark Avenue and Horne Streets
5. Date to be decided, recorded performance for a WRAL show, Spiritual Awakenings. Choir will record Monday night.

I cried today at the practice. It wasn't just the music, although it was so emotionally charged. It was the dedication and enthusiasm these people showed, the respect they gave Norris, the talent and voice of Norris Garner.

Sometimes things turn out so much better than one expected. That too was a gift. Bring on tomorrow. And I'm really glad I chose to stay home from the beach.

Time's Up

I'm getting a little more free time in my life as I cycle off my three-year term on the church board. I hope it's not like digging a sand hole: the first wave that comes in it's all filled up again!

I love being a part of the heartbeat of an organization and knowing what's going on in such an intimate way. But the idea of more time to work on learning the craft of writing and photography is exciting! I am gladly passing the torch.

By the way, if you're in the Raleigh area, my husband's gospel band is playing at the 9:00 and 11:00 services at my church this Sunday. It'll be more fun than you should be allowed to have in church!

Stand By Me

Last night my husband's gospel band performed at church. One of the tunes they did was "Stand By Me" and the audience was very moved by this old Ben E King song. I feel so fervently that we have to tend to those who are afraid or hungry or homeless, war-weary, mourning, loveless and alone, lost in the many, many ways people can become lost these days.

Tonight, one of the band members sent this video and I realize that people around the world feel the words of this song are so meaningful too.

So watch, and think about how we will reach out in the new year to stand by our neighbors who live close by in our cities and far away in other parts of the world. We are one people.

Letting go

This weekend I felt very stressed. The situation with my dad is getting complicated and he's beginning to feel discouraged by the "one thing after another" that constitutes his life. This is all new to us; he's been taking care of himself incredibly well, without our input, for eighty-six years.

I felt conflicted about whether to go to see him, but had numerous things to catch up on - yes, I'm still trying to get caught up from the hospital stay - and then my minister called and asked if I could fix lunch for a group that was playing in church on Sunday. I decided to stay.

Unusually, we also had something to do every night of the weekend. Friday night we met friends for dinner; Saturday night we went to hear the group that was playing on Sunday at the church. It was a ten-piece group called Funkadesi and they were awesome. I was excited about them playing in church and they did not disappoint. They processed in playing drums and cowbells and other instruments I don't know the name of, and had the congregation dancing and clapping and grinning within seconds of their entrance. At lunch they were gracious and grateful for our hospitality.

One of the things that I had planned to do on Saturday was schedule the rest of the facilitators for our fall book study. This should have involved many phone calls, but because I cooked instead, no calls got made. By going to church, though, I was able to find the rest of the facilitators by asking face to face. A gift I had not expected.

Right after my dad was sick, when I was tired and irrational, I wrote a few of my friends and berated them for "not paying attention to me while my dad was sick" or something like that. I have since apologized for my ridiculous behavior; and one of the friends, a nurse, has been my most valuable resource for dealing with some of my dad's problems. Every time I talk to her she reassures me and gives me concrete actions to take to help my dad, and she spent a while with me on the phone last night.

All of this rambling is to say this: Grace comes in unexpected ways. If we can just put aside our worries and stop putting up barriers, we will see grace standing there waiting for us. It wasn't the weekend I expected, but I'm filled with gratitude for the way it turned out.

Celebration

Music, once admitted to the soul, becomes a
sort of spirit, and never dies.
~Edward George Bulwer-Lytton

A fellow musician of my husband's died a few weeks ago. Thursday there will be a memorial service to honor this man. An APB has gone out to those who knew him to come join what will be basically a grand jam session.

The thought of people joining together to play from their hearts in honor of a friend touches me. He has played with some of the best over the past decades--he was one of the best himself--and it will be a stellar gathering. (The definitions of "stellar" include: of or relating to the stars; composed of stars; outstanding. Interesting that that word should occur to me here.)

It feels strange to say that I feel excited about going to this memorial service. But this promises to be one of those times when sad and glad mingle to make a phantom harmonic, of music and of people.

Heaven on Earth - Musically speaking!

Today was my dream come true at church: My husband's gospel band, the choir, and the (soon-to-be?) choir director. The band played six songs, one of them with the choir, and we clapped and swayed and grinned like possums (do possums grin, really?). The director played the song he sang for the minister and me, My Life Is In Your Hands, and there was absolute stillness and silence while he did so. The choir sang the offertory and it was a large and beautiful sound that rang down from the choir loft.

After the services (I went to both) I went up to the director and said, "If this never happens again, today was enough."

Dream

Some of you may have heard me say that I have been put on this earth this go-round to learn patience. It's going to take the entire lifetime and then some, I'm certain.

I have pulled myself completely away from the situation with the prospective choir director, but it has taken tremendous willpower. Yesterday, I had a little email temper tantrum about the phones not being answered at church and when the minister emailed me about it, he told me a couple of things about how things were going with the choir:

1. The director and choir were so awesome at practice the other night that he cried at the beauty of it.
2. The director is having second thoughts about coming to our church.

Sarah Susanka tells us to pay attention to our dreams. This is the dream I had last night:

My husband and I are walking into the church. There is a tremendous buzz about the prospective director and the choir. The choir is dressed in navy blue and white, solids and plaids, which isn't the usual attire for a choir. On my way to the bathroom (gotta go, you know!) I pass some construction and stacks of plastic plates. One of the stacks is made up of heart-shaped plates, and I think, "Good, we won't need any more plates."

When I go into the sanctuary, I look up in the balcony and there is a lone black man standing in the corner. I know he is a friend of the director's and that he is there to support him. The air is palpable with excitement. Someone hands me a letter that the director has written. At first it looks like it says that he is not going to be able to come to our church, but then I realize that it is a very lengthy and detailed list of all of his accomplishments as a choir director and musician.

I wake up. The first thought I have is this: There is something about us that needs him and there is something about him that needs us.

I'm paying attention to my dreams.

A day of joy

Today I woke up feeling hopeful for what the day would bring, and it has not let me down. I needed to spend most of the morning at church. One of the most awesome singing groups that sings at our church - the Crazies for Jesus - was the music. This is a group of African men that have harmonies like angels. They sang the old gospel song, "When the Roll is Called Up Yonder, I'll Be There." I smiled the whole time.

The minister's message was around the book we're studying church-wide (and I'm doing with the Thursday night girls). As my sister-in-law said to me one time, "I can't always remember what he said, but I just feel good after he says it." That's how it was for me today. Since I attended both the 9 and 11 service, and since my minister doesn't read his sermon from written notes, I got a little different slant in each message.

I sat on a row full of people close to me - my sister-in-law, my husband, close friends, and...ta da...the prospective music director. I think he felt very welcomed.

After church one of the choir members came up to me. The choir has been circulating a growing list all week with the theme of what they want in a choir director. Evidently they got wind that we had interviewed someone and a few of them had looked him up on the internet. The person said that she could see that with his background we were going to have to resurrect the "lyrics police" and something in me went kerflooey. So after a long morning, I grabbed the minister for "five minutes" knowing that he and I were both hungry and wouldn't be able to think straight for long. You've gotten the message that I tend to go off (as the minister put it) half-cocked and he was able to help me calm down and put my thoughts into action that would have positive results. I sent the choir an email telling them that this interviewee was brought to us through some kind of intervention I didn't even understand and that when he comes to choir practice on Wednesday night I would like for them to leave their lists somewhere far away and welcome him with open hearts and closed expection.

I've tried to think why this is all so personal to me, and I know part of the reason is that his name came to me first and he seems so promising. But more than this I see incredible opportunities for all of us in the person of this talented man. And I hope that he will accept us. Accepting him is the first step.

Amazing Grace

I believe if everyone in the world would watch this, we'd all be just fine. Amazing Grace