Friday, November 2, 2007


There is a very distinct threat to my personal environment these days. And it doesn't really have anything to do with global warming. In fact, it is totally oblivious to the fact that, well, the Iraq War is partially about our greedy consumption of oil. What I'm worried about is those finely coiffed and made-up women driving around in their Suburbans talking animatedly on their cell phones at 8 am in the morning. These women are downright dangerous!! Between chatting and grabbing for their Starbucks coffee cup, they don't have a hand to put on a turn signal, much less keep on the steering wheel. I can't tell you the number of times the Mazda I'm driving has almost ended up underneath one of those monster gas-guzzlers.

Who are they talking to so excitedly at that time of the morning? Who else but their buddy driving the Expedition two roads over! And what in the hell are they talking about?? The one-thousand thread-count sheets at Tuesday Morning? The woman in her pajamas in the carpool line? The great sex they had with their husbands last night?

You have to give them one thing: they are looking good while they drive and talk and get their caffeine fix. And after they put down the coffee cup so they can hold the phone between their shoulder and ear, turn the rear view mirror so they can see to put on lipstick and fluff their hair, they're looking even bettah!

Gawd, I think I'm going to start going into work around 6 am. At least the men driving those big-ass SUV's aren't all that happy looking in the morning and they don't have to put on makeup while they drive. And I might try to invent a turn signal that is activated by the chipper female voice calling out, "Left, damnit, I said left - Marie, hold on a minute. This car won't do a darn thing I tell it to!"

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