How I act at church

Each Sunday I swear I'm going to church and come home without saying something that I worry about for the rest of the week. Really - this is a huge problem for me. I say, "Silence is golden" and "Listening is a gift" and other cliched things over and over in the car to the parking lot. Then from the parking lot to the church, I greet each person I see with a bright and cheery good morning, asking how their week went, commenting on the weather--the sort of thing that cannot be misunderstood. But once I'm inside the church something goes kerflooey in my brain and I am like someone with Tourette Syndrome - the damndest things come out of my mouth and I have no control over them whatsoever.

Case in point: This week we had a guest speaker. The speaker is a member of the church and an ordained Methodist minister (recovering). During his sermon, he said something about how our minister has such a wealth of choice for people to take his place when he's gone and how honored he was to be chosen this week. Sooooo, what do I do? After his very awesome sermon, I proceed to the front to say, "No wonder Mr. Minister doesn't want you to take his place...you're awesome!!"

Well, this was not how he put it at all and the regular minister has never said that he doesn't want this guy to sub for him, and I did get a very puzzled look when I said it. But it takes me until I get home to start thinking about what I said. And honest to God I can always come up with some statement I made that might have been taken the wrong way!! Geez.

Okay, so most people go to church and spend the week thinking about raising themselves to a higher calling for their God (lofty, hmmm?) but I just think of going one week without saying something stupid so I don't obsess about it until the next week when I say something stupid to replace it. Is there anywhere in the holy books that addresses this dilemma? Calling all spiritual advisors....Jesus? Buddha? Mohammed? Please heal my foot-in-mouth disease!