Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Last night I had a dream about my mom. In almost all the dreams I have of her, she is either emotionally distant or not emotionally accessible at all. One dream I was in this city (Paris?) and I saw her walking down the road in the rain and she wouldn't acknowledge me. Last night, someone was trying to get money we owed them and she had left without our knowing where she was. We were all worried about how to handle the money thing--we were very confused in fact because my dad always handled the finances and we weren't sure she was going to know what to do. Sometimes in a dream she's been away and comes back but she always seems very sad and depressed and alone.
I was thirty-one when she died so I was an adult and should have understood her on that level. But I really didn't. I like to think that she was a fun-loving, affectionate person who loved us all unconditionally. I know, though, that there are alot of questions I would like to ask her about her relationship with my dad, and her dad and mom, and how it felt when her sister died at 44 and her mom in her sixties of a brain tumor. I would like to tell her that I understand her addiction now, and don't see it as a weakness at all, but as something she was born with and couldn't help. I wish I could go back to the day that she relapsed and drank a bottle of wine, and instead of being disgusted, I would hug her and tell her it was okay, that tomorrow is another day and I was proud that she had been sober for five years and knew she could do it again.
These dreams are hard because all of the things I want to say add up to "I'm sorry" and without her attention I cannot say them. Even in my dreams.